Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
