1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
