My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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