Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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