please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
