saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
