If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
