He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
