she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
