Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
