I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
