he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
