for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
