I'm lost and stupid without you.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
