I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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