I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
