I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
