I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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