Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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