I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
