You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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