I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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