i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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