4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
