So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
