Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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