I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
