Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
