Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I party with great urgency now.
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