Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
