areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
