I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
