Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
