You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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