just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I faked an abortion last night.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
