yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
