My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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