Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
