So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
