I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need a beard to bite.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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