drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
