i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
