Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
