I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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