I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she told me i tasted like america
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
