i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
