My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
