Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
