he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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