its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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