a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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