I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
