It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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